Kaniyu - Part 4

Breakthrough was achieved and rest was a part of past now. With yesterday's two feedings itself, Kaniyu was getting back to its form. Five balls looked proper size for single feeding and that's what I managed to feed him next early morning and then at around 9.-30 - 10 AM. Next feeding, following his parents schedule, should be at around 1 PM. Though given that he had to eat for last many days as well, I was looking at next feed to be around noon. but.. Something was bugging me for last one hour and now I realise he wasn't looking good. He was stiff. the normality that was being restored just after two feeding was not there. He was sick, probably in some pain - I could see that. I touch him and feel temperature too was higher - though I could not say this for sure. I could see all these but did not understand what (or why) was it so. I tried to feed him at around noon, and he refused - not only he did not gulp it (and threw it out instead), he was unhappy wrt to this eating business. Dots were still unconnected but I just let it go. It was not the question of life and death if he didn't have this one feeding.

I could not take my eyes or thoughts off him though and it was not long before I understood. He had switched to solid food and hadn't drank required amount of water. How could I miss that? In fact, since he arrived, one of the first things I had learned through maternal instinct was to keep track of his health seeing his droppings. Amount, composition, consistency, frequency. but in the excitement of feeding breakthrough I missed that he was only eating since last evening. His system was kind of jammed with solid food. Even as water was in front of him, he had not yet declared himself out of parental care and wouldn't drink on his own. He had not even learned to drink enough even when I offered him to (by holding water in such a way that its beak is half immersed.). So next few hours, I kept offering water, he drinking it (key was, not to back off till he drinks what you think is sufficient). His system must be in a complete mess as he kept removing solid and pure water separately. but now he did that at least. Process continued till nearly 5 PM and he started looking better. His aversion to food had gone too. so before the end of day, he had two more feedings - with revised feeding amount of three balls each - this proved quite optimal and continued then on. Chanting of 'Kaniyu, Kha.' 'Kaniyu, Kha.' 'Kaniyu, Kha.' which was going on almost like Akhand Ramdhun since the day he arrived, had ended finally. Though not my efforts to teach him to eat on his own.

He quickly started gaining strength, his growth too was on track again. and with that his preening and exercising was back to original level.. rather, much more than that. In my efforts to feed him semi liquid food, I had initially used only wheat floor and then Bajara and wheat floor alternatively. Now wheat floor's cooked paste is no less than any strong glue and all his breast feathers plus many here and there were in very bad shape. He also had this most irritating habit of turning his head and resting tip of the beak on his right shoulder even before I manage to clean his beak - despite my best efforts at quickness. With so many feathers glued, even paste stuck in, if not for the roasting dry and hot air of May, it could have posed significant risk of fungal infection. With that roasting air however, the glue had turned to cement and he looked well.. ugly. I kept apologising to him for making that of him and not being able to help him on that front but he didn't notice my apologies and I didn't notice that he wasn't relying on me to do anything. He knew keeping his feathers in proper order was his own job and he was at it with discipline that defined him.

My problems did not end however. It just changed its nature like it had happened so far. Now fine, I was confident that I could not hurt him - I knew that without learning it from anywhere. We all know it without learning explicitly. Imagine our reaction seeing a kitten in dog's mouth vs a kitten in its mother, Cat's mouth. Its not visible action but relationship and oneness one feels that matters. and so I knew I wont hurt him..but.. at the same time that's what I feared the most. plus, he was gaining strength and using it fully to counter me. Unlike the first time, he even knew now that I would hold him and his reflexes were becoming quicker, varied. Even as I too continuously worked on my speed, technique and power, everytime it was a battle of equals. I got out of breath and became exhausted after each attempt at feeding one gola (and not all were successful) and had to pause, take few deep breaths, gather courage and do some last minute strategizing before next attempt. Two things that I feared most were damage to his wings - for, they were strong and he used that strength in a way that I found very dangerous - if I even slightly miscalculate wrt when to tighten the grip or when to give away, it could damage his wings. Second was his eye that he had already lost. He always managed to transfer enough of crushed bajara to my figure very near to his eye and then move his head unpredictably. There were no two attempts between which I did not think of improving on my technique, adding elaborate fool proofing processes etc to reduce risk, but still, feeding him remained a high risk, stressful job and after each Gola that he gulped unharmed, I was immensely relieved. It did not stop me from continue to watch him with anxiety to see if he was showing any signs of being harmed. I never found any sign that he was hurt, but I sometime felt how inadequate mother I am that probably he is hurt and I am not able to see it.

He had third gola of the last session for the day at around 7.30 PM (I was yet to shift to last session strictly before Sunset). I was cleaning the mess that had resulted in this feeding battle and watching him to find out if there are any signs that his wings were damaged. My eyes stop at bare pink skin - area only few times a needle's tip, but still, bare pink skin - where none should be visible. Its shoulder joint, a very critical point for wings strength. If that point was damaged.. I could not think clearly. My body and mind, that had held against May heat wave outdoor hours, crises of parents abandoning him and all efforts to feed him failing till the success came at last and dozens of other mini crises so far, faced with that bare pink skin patch on Kaniya's shoulder and thinking that it might cause disability, gave up. All the hell had suddenly broken loose. I was crying uncontrollably.

After long few minutes, finally Mom, trying to console me and argue that he doesn't look hurt, took me to face Kaniyu again. I was back in his room, still crying helplessly. He got confused. He could suspect that I was in distress but of course there was no reason for that.. No one was attacking me etc.. He had that look in his eye saying, you look in distress, though I see no reason for you to be but is there something that I can help with? Tears still filled my eyes but I had stopped crying. he was not only unhurt, but was even big enough to get concerned if I was hurt. We had covered a long distance since morning of 17th May.

There were no more crises in sight to keep me going. I was to spend nearly 14-16 hours in coming days mostly sleeping and eating.

Kaniyu - Part 3

Too good to be true?

Five days had passed by since Kaniya's life had that major jolt post which he was living in a world his body and mind was not quite made to grow in. But this meant that he had to do his part even more rigorously and had no time to complain. Indeed, he made full use of what was still as it should be - his parents feeding him; for things he absolutely needed but didn't have - a nest, he designated shoe as nest and stuck to it exactly in a manner a baby bird would stick to a nest that is even smaller than its own body size. Things which he didn't need in ideal conditions but were useful now- like me, were accepted, and things which were not useful but still were added to his life- like the black dog, were completely ignored. Things for which there were no external dependencies, like exercising and taking care of its rapidly growing feathers, were taken care with all dedication.

I have told you dove parents had been feeding him for all these days and that he was growing fine. but, there was an anomaly arising already for last two days, which even as was noticed, given that I was too tired and that Kaniyu was doing fine had not generated an alarm yet. It was, that even as mother came full five times to feed, the father sometimes missed its turn. On day six, father's irregularity in feeding was becoming apparent, plus for some reason so far Kaniyu had only three feedings (father not contributing in all of them) and the day was about to end. There was scope of only one more and that too if parents came in next few mins. Kaniyu was growing and was hungry. probably it was falling short of its optimum intake for a day or two already but today was a clear case of that.

The mother arrives. Kaniyu, being very hungry almost goes mad seeing the mother - and, he turns round and round in excitement. (He had been occasionally doing that turning around for few days now, but nothing with respect to that behaviour was registered as having any meaning to me as yet.) He started turning excitedly and mother was taken aback. She needed to hold his beak to pour feeding. but as she makes an attempt, Kaniyu would have turned. She looks completely lost at the behaviour but still tries few times as Kaniyu was very hungry and a mother could see that. but after a while, she finally gives up and flies away without feeding. Father, who was largely absent today came, but he left even sooner than mother as Kaniyu repeated its behaviour. He was hungry, so hungry that could not control own body and mind, and, the day had ended. Kaniyu was obviously not how he was so far. He looked listless.

After returning home I made yet another serious attempt to see if I can make him eat anything with no result as you know. It was a bad day. I hoped next morning, Kaniyu wont repeat what it did today (it would be even more hungry). Next morning, I was very anxious. I held my breath as mother came, Kaniyu was excited, but he just managed to receive the feeding. Father too came and managed to feed. Kaniyu was happy and I breathed easy.

If I think of two very useful features that life has evolved to (or have them at any rate), I would give my vote to death and ability to not know the future. these two, roughly looks to me having somewhat similar (but much more than) utility as that of sleep and working memory being distinct from long term memory.

After the morning feeding both me and my Kaniyu were relaxed due to the second useful feature of life I mention above. We had NO idea that dove parents were never to feed him again. The story that was sounding too good to be true had ended. Over next 10 hours, I shuttled between tree and home. At tree, I kept pleading to dove parents to feed Kaniyu and at home my efforts to feed him became more and more fanatic each hour. Kaniyu, even though under the tree looked somewhat normal and kept waiting for parents as ever, at home, he was looking weak. Preening and exercising had reduced significantly. After that morning feed, all I could manage to make him eat during whole day must not be more than 5 - 10 ml of semi-liquid food.

Facing the Worst

Next day, I feared the worst and found reality matching my fears. Parents did not come. Despite past experience, I tried to take help of my doves once again, meeting the same fate as before. rather much worse. for, Kaniyu, already weak, thought they were his parents and seemed to completely go crazy - losing lot of physical energy out of not much remaining and there could not be more painful sight where his this reaction met by aggression by the non parent dove. I stopped taking him to tree after 1 PM or so (except once near the day end time) and kept trying, with all variations I could think of, to feed him myself / let him eat itself. I of course also tried holding his beak and see if I can force it open, but he didn't allow me. He kept losing strength, sat there listlessly, no preening or exercising anymore but refused to eat in any other way than parents feeding him. During whole day, all he would have taken in must not be more than 10-15 ml of semi liquid food. The figure that had always sat erect, full of confidence so far, was difficult to look at now. He sat there evidently looking weak with eyes closed mostly. I, his mother in all true senses of the word was helpless.

It was past 7 PM or so, already dark outside. I called it a day and stepped outside for a walk. My body and mind both were stressed and stiff, almost immobile and I thought a walk was most appropriate thing. I stepped outside and in the darkness broken in parts by lights, there were shapes and shadows - trees, houses, leaves. in anything and everything, no matter where I looked at - I could only see hungry, weak Kaniyu sitting in different poses. I tried to not see that, and I saw it more vividly. I had not realised but probably I was slowly getting closer to madness since last many hours and now, I felt like I was standing on a hairline dividing saneness and madness - I felt I was so much close to going mad that the only proof that I was still on saneness side was THIS acute awareness of being so close to madness. with that, there was a feeling I had never experienced before - it was an involuntary reflex of mind that appeared like a panic reaction triggered by survival instinct - not survival of body, but mind itself. It did not want to go mad. Only thing that interrupted my seeing Kaniyu everywhere was this panicky feeling and seeing things not improving as a result of walk, I returned. If open eyes shown me Kaniyu everywhere, closing them were also of no help. Infant Kaniyu, as I had got him many days ago popped up as soon as I closed my eye. It was a difficult night, but finally sleep came to rescue.

Next day was nearly identical except that Kaniyu was getting even weaker though not completely inactive. He again had some 10-15 ml of semi liquid food till now and wouldn't change his ways. At around 4.45- 5 PM, I decided to change mine. I was ready to use force - more than reasonable amount of it. There was no use of having concept of reasonableness now. I could not do it till now as I feared it can cause injury, or even disability. but now, not doing so would mean his sure death. Though I had no idea if even this attempt will be successful or not but, I faced no choice but to use force - as much as I had capacity to use. I make balls of crushed Bajara mixed with water, seize him with speed and power to tightly hold whole of its body with my left hand, open his beak with force (okay, yet very gently and carefully) using right hand and keep it open using thumb and index figure of left hand once opened (I instantly realised how much strength was still left in him as he countered my attempts. - Note however that he was NOT panicked thinking I was attacking him or that he was in danger of any sort - such thought was inconceivable for him given our relationship, nor he was being hurt in anyway at all, but his mind resisted being caught in an involuntary reflex anyway.), take a bajara ball using my right hand, put it at approximately mid way on its beak, - AND THE BALL WAS GONE! He gulped it and realised what happened only after he gulped it. Our eyes met in a perfect and clear communication - We had won and it was a big big win. Even as both of us were still too stunned to fully digest what happened - but I could see in his eyes too there was no doubt, just as it was with me, that it was WE who won, not he or me, not even he and me. that distinction had ceased to exist long back I think.

I stopped after five bajara balls (Golas). He appeared full. He had five more Golas at 7-7.30 PM.

'Evolution'

I was writing Kaniyu Part 3, and used the word 'evolved'. Now, as what I meant by it was not the textbook definition of it, I felt obliged to clarify. but that clarification turned out somewhat long, also misplaced diversion in the story. Its therefore here as a stand alone topic.

It was only few years back that I came to know of a strange fact - that there are some parts of the world where people still learn, teach (in a govt approved way it seems), believe in, creation theories (I haven't googled it what 'exactly' it means, but the way I perceived it is something like 'God' created everything while in mood to do so.) as against that life evolved to what it is in a slow (from individual's perspective), long journey.

Regarding my own education, I actually don't remember what words and what details textbooks told me apart from stages of evolution and some timeline wrt to the long journey. but I remember I have never exactly believed in what is meant by 'The evolution theory'. That is because, I personally think life is not lifeless - and therefore, it has more control of things happening to it compared to control lifeless things have over what happens to them. i.e. that journey from a single cell life to an elephant, dolphin, human, termite or ant is not exactly similar to say, creation of major geographical features. .. I have trouble imagining a life so lifeless whose evolution purely depends on mutation happening to it by pure chance (and so whole of evolution story is pure chance mutation + survival of fittest) In fact, only one thing is needed to collapse that kind of evolution theory back to creationist theory. and it is, if mutations happening turns out not purely random. Even Slightest non randomness will mean (if we continue to assume that life is quite lifeless and exerts no control over mutations happening to itself) that the world is created quite leisurely rather than all at once. i.e. it makes theory of evolution a theory of creation, only with creator employing slightly different strategy to create.

For me, life is essentially alive. Striving for betterment with guidance of its own intelligence. trying, failing sometimes, succeeding at others, trying to remember and analyse failures and successes and keep trying. Evolution then is result of life's own efforts to evolve (aided/hindered by many chance mutations and external events at different times.)

Now, meaning of word 'evolved' used in above sense is completely different from what is meant by theory you get if you google 'theory of evolution' so I thought I should clarify.


and btw, on a side note, as you know I have been reading Asimov again these days, I found out that one of his story that I had liked very much, was his own favourite story too (yes, out of all the gems, that one was what he thought as his best story - If you can lay your hands on it - do read 'The Last question'.)