Breakthrough was achieved and rest was a part of past now. With yesterday's two feedings itself, Kaniyu was getting back to its form. Five balls looked proper size for single feeding and that's what I managed to feed him next early morning and then at around 9.-30 - 10 AM. Next feeding, following his parents schedule, should be at around 1 PM. Though given that he had to eat for last many days as well, I was looking at next feed to be around noon. but.. Something was bugging me for last one hour and now I realise he wasn't looking good. He was stiff. the normality that was being restored just after two feeding was not there. He was sick, probably in some pain - I could see that. I touch him and feel temperature too was higher - though I could not say this for sure. I could see all these but did not understand what (or why) was it so. I tried to feed him at around noon, and he refused - not only he did not gulp it (and threw it out instead), he was unhappy wrt to this eating business. Dots were still unconnected but I just let it go. It was not the question of life and death if he didn't have this one feeding.
I could not take my eyes or thoughts off him though and it was not long before I understood. He had switched to solid food and hadn't drank required amount of water. How could I miss that? In fact, since he arrived, one of the first things I had learned through maternal instinct was to keep track of his health seeing his droppings. Amount, composition, consistency, frequency. but in the excitement of feeding breakthrough I missed that he was only eating since last evening. His system was kind of jammed with solid food. Even as water was in front of him, he had not yet declared himself out of parental care and wouldn't drink on his own. He had not even learned to drink enough even when I offered him to (by holding water in such a way that its beak is half immersed.). So next few hours, I kept offering water, he drinking it (key was, not to back off till he drinks what you think is sufficient). His system must be in a complete mess as he kept removing solid and pure water separately. but now he did that at least. Process continued till nearly 5 PM and he started looking better. His aversion to food had gone too. so before the end of day, he had two more feedings - with revised feeding amount of three balls each - this proved quite optimal and continued then on. Chanting of 'Kaniyu, Kha.' 'Kaniyu, Kha.' 'Kaniyu, Kha.' which was going on almost like Akhand Ramdhun since the day he arrived, had ended finally. Though not my efforts to teach him to eat on his own.
He quickly started gaining strength, his growth too was on track again. and with that his preening and exercising was back to original level.. rather, much more than that. In my efforts to feed him semi liquid food, I had initially used only wheat floor and then Bajara and wheat floor alternatively. Now wheat floor's cooked paste is no less than any strong glue and all his breast feathers plus many here and there were in very bad shape. He also had this most irritating habit of turning his head and resting tip of the beak on his right shoulder even before I manage to clean his beak - despite my best efforts at quickness. With so many feathers glued, even paste stuck in, if not for the roasting dry and hot air of May, it could have posed significant risk of fungal infection. With that roasting air however, the glue had turned to cement and he looked well.. ugly. I kept apologising to him for making that of him and not being able to help him on that front but he didn't notice my apologies and I didn't notice that he wasn't relying on me to do anything. He knew keeping his feathers in proper order was his own job and he was at it with discipline that defined him.
My problems did not end however. It just changed its nature like it had happened so far. Now fine, I was confident that I could not hurt him - I knew that without learning it from anywhere. We all know it without learning explicitly. Imagine our reaction seeing a kitten in dog's mouth vs a kitten in its mother, Cat's mouth. Its not visible action but relationship and oneness one feels that matters. and so I knew I wont hurt him..but.. at the same time that's what I feared the most. plus, he was gaining strength and using it fully to counter me. Unlike the first time, he even knew now that I would hold him and his reflexes were becoming quicker, varied. Even as I too continuously worked on my speed, technique and power, everytime it was a battle of equals. I got out of breath and became exhausted after each attempt at feeding one gola (and not all were successful) and had to pause, take few deep breaths, gather courage and do some last minute strategizing before next attempt. Two things that I feared most were damage to his wings - for, they were strong and he used that strength in a way that I found very dangerous - if I even slightly miscalculate wrt when to tighten the grip or when to give away, it could damage his wings. Second was his eye that he had already lost. He always managed to transfer enough of crushed bajara to my figure very near to his eye and then move his head unpredictably. There were no two attempts between which I did not think of improving on my technique, adding elaborate fool proofing processes etc to reduce risk, but still, feeding him remained a high risk, stressful job and after each Gola that he gulped unharmed, I was immensely relieved. It did not stop me from continue to watch him with anxiety to see if he was showing any signs of being harmed. I never found any sign that he was hurt, but I sometime felt how inadequate mother I am that probably he is hurt and I am not able to see it.
He had third gola of the last session for the day at around 7.30 PM (I was yet to shift to last session strictly before Sunset). I was cleaning the mess that had resulted in this feeding battle and watching him to find out if there are any signs that his wings were damaged. My eyes stop at bare pink skin - area only few times a needle's tip, but still, bare pink skin - where none should be visible. Its shoulder joint, a very critical point for wings strength. If that point was damaged.. I could not think clearly. My body and mind, that had held against May heat wave outdoor hours, crises of parents abandoning him and all efforts to feed him failing till the success came at last and dozens of other mini crises so far, faced with that bare pink skin patch on Kaniya's shoulder and thinking that it might cause disability, gave up. All the hell had suddenly broken loose. I was crying uncontrollably.
After long few minutes, finally Mom, trying to console me and argue that he doesn't look hurt, took me to face Kaniyu again. I was back in his room, still crying helplessly. He got confused. He could suspect that I was in distress but of course there was no reason for that.. No one was attacking me etc.. He had that look in his eye saying, you look in distress, though I see no reason for you to be but is there something that I can help with? Tears still filled my eyes but I had stopped crying. he was not only unhurt, but was even big enough to get concerned if I was hurt. We had covered a long distance since morning of 17th May.
There were no more crises in sight to keep me going. I was to spend nearly 14-16 hours in coming days mostly sleeping and eating.
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