Kaniyu - Part 3

Too good to be true?

Five days had passed by since Kaniya's life had that major jolt post which he was living in a world his body and mind was not quite made to grow in. But this meant that he had to do his part even more rigorously and had no time to complain. Indeed, he made full use of what was still as it should be - his parents feeding him; for things he absolutely needed but didn't have - a nest, he designated shoe as nest and stuck to it exactly in a manner a baby bird would stick to a nest that is even smaller than its own body size. Things which he didn't need in ideal conditions but were useful now- like me, were accepted, and things which were not useful but still were added to his life- like the black dog, were completely ignored. Things for which there were no external dependencies, like exercising and taking care of its rapidly growing feathers, were taken care with all dedication.

I have told you dove parents had been feeding him for all these days and that he was growing fine. but, there was an anomaly arising already for last two days, which even as was noticed, given that I was too tired and that Kaniyu was doing fine had not generated an alarm yet. It was, that even as mother came full five times to feed, the father sometimes missed its turn. On day six, father's irregularity in feeding was becoming apparent, plus for some reason so far Kaniyu had only three feedings (father not contributing in all of them) and the day was about to end. There was scope of only one more and that too if parents came in next few mins. Kaniyu was growing and was hungry. probably it was falling short of its optimum intake for a day or two already but today was a clear case of that.

The mother arrives. Kaniyu, being very hungry almost goes mad seeing the mother - and, he turns round and round in excitement. (He had been occasionally doing that turning around for few days now, but nothing with respect to that behaviour was registered as having any meaning to me as yet.) He started turning excitedly and mother was taken aback. She needed to hold his beak to pour feeding. but as she makes an attempt, Kaniyu would have turned. She looks completely lost at the behaviour but still tries few times as Kaniyu was very hungry and a mother could see that. but after a while, she finally gives up and flies away without feeding. Father, who was largely absent today came, but he left even sooner than mother as Kaniyu repeated its behaviour. He was hungry, so hungry that could not control own body and mind, and, the day had ended. Kaniyu was obviously not how he was so far. He looked listless.

After returning home I made yet another serious attempt to see if I can make him eat anything with no result as you know. It was a bad day. I hoped next morning, Kaniyu wont repeat what it did today (it would be even more hungry). Next morning, I was very anxious. I held my breath as mother came, Kaniyu was excited, but he just managed to receive the feeding. Father too came and managed to feed. Kaniyu was happy and I breathed easy.

If I think of two very useful features that life has evolved to (or have them at any rate), I would give my vote to death and ability to not know the future. these two, roughly looks to me having somewhat similar (but much more than) utility as that of sleep and working memory being distinct from long term memory.

After the morning feeding both me and my Kaniyu were relaxed due to the second useful feature of life I mention above. We had NO idea that dove parents were never to feed him again. The story that was sounding too good to be true had ended. Over next 10 hours, I shuttled between tree and home. At tree, I kept pleading to dove parents to feed Kaniyu and at home my efforts to feed him became more and more fanatic each hour. Kaniyu, even though under the tree looked somewhat normal and kept waiting for parents as ever, at home, he was looking weak. Preening and exercising had reduced significantly. After that morning feed, all I could manage to make him eat during whole day must not be more than 5 - 10 ml of semi-liquid food.

Facing the Worst

Next day, I feared the worst and found reality matching my fears. Parents did not come. Despite past experience, I tried to take help of my doves once again, meeting the same fate as before. rather much worse. for, Kaniyu, already weak, thought they were his parents and seemed to completely go crazy - losing lot of physical energy out of not much remaining and there could not be more painful sight where his this reaction met by aggression by the non parent dove. I stopped taking him to tree after 1 PM or so (except once near the day end time) and kept trying, with all variations I could think of, to feed him myself / let him eat itself. I of course also tried holding his beak and see if I can force it open, but he didn't allow me. He kept losing strength, sat there listlessly, no preening or exercising anymore but refused to eat in any other way than parents feeding him. During whole day, all he would have taken in must not be more than 10-15 ml of semi liquid food. The figure that had always sat erect, full of confidence so far, was difficult to look at now. He sat there evidently looking weak with eyes closed mostly. I, his mother in all true senses of the word was helpless.

It was past 7 PM or so, already dark outside. I called it a day and stepped outside for a walk. My body and mind both were stressed and stiff, almost immobile and I thought a walk was most appropriate thing. I stepped outside and in the darkness broken in parts by lights, there were shapes and shadows - trees, houses, leaves. in anything and everything, no matter where I looked at - I could only see hungry, weak Kaniyu sitting in different poses. I tried to not see that, and I saw it more vividly. I had not realised but probably I was slowly getting closer to madness since last many hours and now, I felt like I was standing on a hairline dividing saneness and madness - I felt I was so much close to going mad that the only proof that I was still on saneness side was THIS acute awareness of being so close to madness. with that, there was a feeling I had never experienced before - it was an involuntary reflex of mind that appeared like a panic reaction triggered by survival instinct - not survival of body, but mind itself. It did not want to go mad. Only thing that interrupted my seeing Kaniyu everywhere was this panicky feeling and seeing things not improving as a result of walk, I returned. If open eyes shown me Kaniyu everywhere, closing them were also of no help. Infant Kaniyu, as I had got him many days ago popped up as soon as I closed my eye. It was a difficult night, but finally sleep came to rescue.

Next day was nearly identical except that Kaniyu was getting even weaker though not completely inactive. He again had some 10-15 ml of semi liquid food till now and wouldn't change his ways. At around 4.45- 5 PM, I decided to change mine. I was ready to use force - more than reasonable amount of it. There was no use of having concept of reasonableness now. I could not do it till now as I feared it can cause injury, or even disability. but now, not doing so would mean his sure death. Though I had no idea if even this attempt will be successful or not but, I faced no choice but to use force - as much as I had capacity to use. I make balls of crushed Bajara mixed with water, seize him with speed and power to tightly hold whole of its body with my left hand, open his beak with force (okay, yet very gently and carefully) using right hand and keep it open using thumb and index figure of left hand once opened (I instantly realised how much strength was still left in him as he countered my attempts. - Note however that he was NOT panicked thinking I was attacking him or that he was in danger of any sort - such thought was inconceivable for him given our relationship, nor he was being hurt in anyway at all, but his mind resisted being caught in an involuntary reflex anyway.), take a bajara ball using my right hand, put it at approximately mid way on its beak, - AND THE BALL WAS GONE! He gulped it and realised what happened only after he gulped it. Our eyes met in a perfect and clear communication - We had won and it was a big big win. Even as both of us were still too stunned to fully digest what happened - but I could see in his eyes too there was no doubt, just as it was with me, that it was WE who won, not he or me, not even he and me. that distinction had ceased to exist long back I think.

I stopped after five bajara balls (Golas). He appeared full. He had five more Golas at 7-7.30 PM.